Chris Ramsey Interview Issue 14

IT’S 2050 and you belong to a secret, underground society. What is it called, why isn’t the society out in the open and what do you do at your meetings?

IT’S called the Society for the Prevention of Whimsical Questions.

The world has been overrun by a bunch of dicks who think it’s ok to start an interview with such an outrageous question.

Me and my band of renegades lie in wait in the sewers formulating a beautifully simple list of yes/no true/false questions which are much easier to answer for exhausted, hungover touring comedians. We will prevail!

IT’S still 2050, traditional medicine such as antibiotics, now known as ‘suppressants’ are banned. What medicine is used instead?
KIND words and a bloody good back rub… sometimes a happy ending.

J K ROWLING dies before finishing off the Deathly Hallows. What ending do you write for Harry Potter?
HARRY wakes up in bed, it was all a dream, he’s still in the cupboard under the stairs and everyone hates him. Equilibrium restored.

YOU’RE court jester to Henry VIII. What joke do you tell to stop one of his wives being beheaded?
I REALLY couldn’t handle that responsibility… I’d probably rather be the executioner, he was always busy.

IF you could go back in time and there are no repercussions who would you get revenge on, what would you do and why?
I’D find the mother of the person who invented Geordie Shore and throw her under a train.

IT’S the Comedy Awards Ball and you bring along a date that has everyone amazed. Later that night you are on the News At Ten – what has happened?
I’ve discovered my date invented Geordie Shore and I’ve thrown her under a train.

YOU at the final stage for entry to Oxford University to study medicine and you have to reveal three things about yourself that will impress the examiner. What do you reveal?
THAT I can fly, my blood cures cancer and I am a never ending, renewable clean energy source (all of these are actually much more likely than me being accepted to Oxford for anything other than to clean the toilets).

YOU’RE starring in a new programme called ‘Comedy in the Highlands’. What happens in the show and who else is on it?
IT’S me and a host of other comedians, we each have to duel to the death with jokes and anecdotes. The winner is the one who removes the heads of all of the other comedians and in doing so, absorbs all of their power and material… there can be only one! Hosted by Phillip Schofield.

YOU come up with a eureka moment and have the solution to this question: if simple bacteria evolved over millions of years why did it stop at man and not keep evolving? What is your answer?
AH, I had this answer on the tip of my tongue, but I errrr, forgot it… Ask Billy Bryson yeah? I told him ALL about it…

YOU write the male equivalent of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. What do you call it and what happens in it?
IT’S called ‘One Shade Of White’ ad it’s a laminated, wipe-clean postcard with a naked lady on it.
Chris Ramsey is currently on tour with his brand new show ‘Feeling Lucky’. Catch him at The Stand, Edinburgh on Nov 18, The Stand, Glasgow on Nov 19, Aberdeen Lemontree on Dec 7 and Inverness Ironworks on Dec 8. TICKETS AVAILABLE AT