Xmas Gifts For All

It’s always a good idea to plan in advance what you want to get your friends and family for Christmas. Such efficient use of your time will save you from rushing around at the last minute trying to find presents and refreshing your internet page a gazillion times to buy a product before it’s out of stock. Nadia Saleem – in association with Santa Claus himself – presents 15 Christmas presents that you should definitely consider buying this year. HO HO HO indeed….

ONE

Fed up having nothing to say for yourself? Never fear, your Friends are here to provide witty phrases/quotes/ references from 1990s Manhattan to brighten up your festive social life. Given the classic sitcom’s recent revival, this really is the go-to gift for parents, friends and even younger relatives as baggy suits and slapstick in the name of comedy really do transcend the generations. I invite you to forgive the glaring omission of a Joey magnet that screams “How You Doin’?” and one featuring Ross shouting “Pivot, pivot, PIVOT…”
Friends Fridge Magnets: £7, halfmoonbayshop.co.uk

TWO


Monopoly is a classic household game that every family has played at some point or another. The game usually ends with one person throwing the board against the wall because they spent too much time in jail. However, Drinkopoly is the game that parents play once they are certain their kids are asleep and usually students are too drunk to even realise where the board is let alone throw it. Labelled ‘The Blurriest Game Ever!’ this is a game that involves two things: dirty-minded people and alcohol. Brace yourself for a night of poor decisions, awkward
silence and zero sobriety.
Drinkopoly Board Game: £26.99, amazon.co.uk

THREE

If your friends are anything like mine then this little device could well be the answer to your Xmas prayers, assuming you’re not remotely religious yet still inexplicably celebrate the anniversary of the birth of Jesus. You simply activate the button when someone in the vicinity regales you with a story or ‘fact’ that you believe to be in any way lacking in substance or truth. Example – Friend: “I only starting studying the night before the exam.” You: *reaching for button* “Bullshit!” Nobody said it was complicated.
Bullshit Button: £4.99, findmeagift.co.uk

FOUR

There seems to be a definition for everything nowadays, perhaps one of the most legit ones is Jingle Swells. This defines itself as “the widening of the waistline most commonly occurring during the month of December (related: eggnog, candy canes, sugar plums).” They missed out turkey, cranberry sauce and gingerbread cookies but you get the point. You can get this definition on a pillow which means you can lie on it when you can’t move after eating all the Christmas stuffing. It’s a hilarious gift to give to anyone in your family, as they can certainly all relate to it.
Jingle Swells Pillow: £15.60 redbubble.co.uk

FIVE

There’s always that one person at Christmas who is a real Grinch and has decided to say ‘bah humbug’ to all seasonal joy and festivities. Although there is a secret temptation to simply stuff their stocking full of coal, instead of getting your hands dirty why not just get them a mug that simply says ‘Don’t be a Grinch’. It’s funny and it gets your point across without having to stain your hands black. Check out websites that customise gifts. It’s the ultimate secret Santa gift and is sure to start a craze with your friends that may end up with you all falling around laughing…or falling out!
Grinch Mug: £8.50, etsy.com

SIX


Who needs to go out and woo a girl when you can just grow one in the comfort of your home? Simply add some water and watch as a tiny band of rubber transforms into a woman. Although it may be small and you can’t do much with it at least you don’t have to buy it dinner. There is also a grow your own boyfriend version, so there’s a preferred gender for everyone. If only life was actually as simple as adding water.
Grow Your Own Girlfriend: £2.99, findmeagift.co.uk

SEVEN

It’s common knowledge that cats are, in fact, evil. That fact alone renders this book entirely pointless as the answer can only possibly be, ‘Yes, your cat quite obviously IS plotting to kill you’. By contorting itself into impossibly cute positions to sate your Instagram desires, little kitty is simply lulling you into a false sense of superiority and security. Owning this book may just save you from your fiendish feline. Better to be safe than sorry.
How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You: £6.13, wordery.com

EIGHT


This is the gift that every student needs. If your flat mate can’t stop looking at their phone during dinner time then just lock them away in a small jail cell for mobile phones. It’s also great if you’re a student and you can’t study because it’s ‘essential’ for you to scroll through your Instagram feed every two minutes. Students will pass their exams, no more re-sits so more time to spend on your phone. It’s a win-win situation. You can buy this off Amazon for just £7.20; it’s a gift that will ensure both laughter and tears. Mainly tears, though.
Mobile Phone Jail Cell: £7.20, Amazon.co.uk

NINE


Love alcohol but hate Donald Trump? Then this is the perfect present for Christmas. The next time you see the President of the USA on TV yelling about fake news and how much he hates immigrants just take out your frustration using the corkscrew on a good bottle of wine to help you forget that there is a tangerine running the White House. The perfect gift for any liberal, progressive thinking person in your orbit.
Donald Trump Corkscrew: £19.44, ebay.com

TEN

What was once the domain of black magic practitioners and that kid out of an Indiana Jones movie can now be yours to savour and abuse. Flat mate ‘forgotten’ to do the dishes again? Boyfriend ‘lost’ his phone while on a night out with mates? Dish out the kind of justice these hideous crimes deserve by plunging tiny little pins into a doll in the place which causes absolutely no pain for your victim but ensures maximum pleasure for you. Chronic flatulence is, however, unforgivable and deserving of a more serious punishment.
Voodoo Doll: £3.99, findmeagift.co.uk

ELEVEN

The best part about Christmas is that you can’t leave the house; there is no work, no school and no shops open. It’s the ideal time to break out the alcohol and pour in some shots – there will never be a better opportunity to get tipsy-ish than on Christmas day. Many websites do some very funny shot glasses that you can use if you want to entertain your family and friends. The most common theme is Harry Potter; you can buy a shot glass that says ‘I don’t give a Raven crap’. Harry Potter and alcohol – has there ever been a greater pairing? You can buy a set of five for just £15 if you know where to look.
Rude Harry Potter Shot Glasses: £15, etsy.com

TWELVE


If you are a narcissist or know any self-proclaimed egomaniacs, then this one’s for you. Or them. This is a custom toaster that is specially designed to imprint a photo of yourself or somebody you know on every slice of bread you toast. The next time you get into an argument with a sibling/partner/parent etc, instead of throwing punches just get their face toasted on the next slice of bread you are going to eat. The results are just as satisfying but less likely to leave you feeling peckish.
Selfie Toaster: $95 burntimpressions.com

THIRTEEN

Give friends, partners, family and innocent passers-by fair warning when you’re likely to become unreasonable during perfectly legitimate conversations or debates. The mood swing warning sign comes into its own in a working environment if you’re keen to avoid unnecessary and frankly foolhardy arguments with colleagues. It’s certainly not subtle and it may even be considered offensive by the resident snowflake, but this little prop could actually save you from years of fallings out – and who can put a price on that? Well, the Green Welly Stop can.
Mood Swing Desk Warning Sign: £4.50, thegreenwellystop.co.uk

FOURTEEN


Looking to offend innocent passers-by in Salt Lake City or ask for sex in the Middle East? Then this is the very book for you. Romana Lefevre provides the tools for causing outrage in Khartoum or hand-signing a mortal insult to a bewildered Ukranian labourer. There’s more to rudeness than the classic two-fingered salute, and this book includes the pictures to prove it.
Rude Hand Gestures of the World Book: £9.99, prezzybox.com

FIFTEEN


One of the best parts about Christmas is all the parties and club events that you get to attend. There’s nothing better than downing eggnog shots and dancing to remixed Christmas tunes. However, clubs basically never allow you to bring your own drinks in and expect you to burn all your cash on just two drinks. The solution to this is the Tampon Flask; these are small flasks that look like actual tampons. The next time a bouncer checks your purse they’ll think that it’s just that time of the month and you’re not trying to smuggle in five vials of vodka.
It’s the best invention since sliced bread.
Smuggle Booze Tampon Flask: £13.88,amazon.co.uk