You’re having some drinks in an Edinburgh pub with friends when Nicola Sturgeon pops in and offers to buy you a round. She gets you drunk, swaps clothes with you and has you laughing for ages about something she’s asked you to do. What is it?
How did you know about this? Has Nicola told you? All conversations I have with the First Minister are confidential and I cannot reveal what happened on any of the occasions that she and I have swapped clothes drunk.
It’s just a thing we do and I don’t know why the gutter press are so fascinated by the idea of her wearing a Nottingham Forest kit and me wearing SNP branded underwear.
You bump into Kevin Bridges and tell him he could have a career in politics if he could just do one thing – what is it?
Lose the accent. I just don’t think people in this country will vote for someone who sounds like that. Always saying “sidewalk” and “pacifier”. Those EE adverts are awful as well, stop doing those. Sorry, did you say Kevin Bridges? I thought you said Kevin Bacon.
You manage to recreate the magic of the House of Commons in the Queen Vic bar in Eastenders. Which MPs do you think would fit in? Who would be pulling pints, who would be pulling faces and who would be pulling anyone?
Nigel Farage would be doing all three. He’s a one man pub tornado.
You get voted in as Prime Minister. What is the most honest thing you can tell the nation?
My name. Everything else will be a fabrication designed to mislead first the nation, then the world and then the universe. Either that or I’ll just tell them I love pasties.
As Prime Minister you bring out a Parliamentary Bill that has been voted through but has the whole of the country in shock for years – what is it?
The Britain in Shock (For Years) Bill. It was the only way to keep the entire nation shocked for years and represents the most disgusting and depraved pieces of legislation known to mankind.
The section on dogging is a corker.
All politicians have been given a new dress code. What is it?
Fur coat. No knickers. Ball-gag to finish the look. To be fair, many of them dress like this in private already.
All politicians are sent back to university to study a refreshers course in politics. What are the most important things they learn?
How to grow a beard and wear a hat that looks riddled with BO. It’s working for Jeremy Corbyn so everyone should just copy him.
That’s how politics works – copy the successful. Unless you’re in the Labour party, in which case, copy the disastrous. Over and over again.
You travel back in time to the young you. What do you tell yourself?
That one day I’m going to be doing an interview for an internationally renowned student publication and that under no circumstances should I answer the question about being a newsreader honestly.
You become a TV newsreader for a day and get to read your own news. What do you tell the nation?
That I’ve got a massive willy. (The young me is a real rebel).
The Houses of Parliament throw open its doors to the public who get involved in mock debating. It’s filmed and politicians learn how to change their style to win voters – what new techniques do they learn?
There’s an assumption here that a random sample of people would be better than our current crop of MPs.
Or indeed that politicians are capable of learning anything. They’d probably learn how to sit back and let someone else speak, which if you’ve seen the Labour leadership contest, most of them did anyway.
Politicians are tagged and are now banned from going out in the daytime thanks to a new law introduced – why was it introduced?
There’s a topical reason that’s highly controversial that I’ll stay away from. Let’s say they’ve all been tagged for crimes against the English language.
Until they stop using phrases like “squeezed middle”, “hardworking families” and “stronger economy and fairer society”, then they have to live under house arrest and listen to Ed Sheeran all day.
That’ll sort them out.
Politicians are forced to tell the truth for a day and it results in a new political party surfacing. What’s it called and why are its policies the most popular in over a century?
The Liars Party because if a politician claims to be telling the truth all the time, they’re definitely lying.
Their popular policies will include: Nationalise the Railways, Free Tuition Fees and Free Steak Bakes for all. The most heartbreaking lie of the lot.
You take over as Labour’s spin doctor and send all the Labour politicians on a gruelling five day boot camp course – what do you get them to do?
Relax, have other interests and NEVER EVER NOMINATE SOMEONE TO BE LEADER WHO YOU DON’T EVEN SUPPORT. That last one may well be topical.