artisan/artisanal adj. Descriptive of any product or service that is manufactured or supplied by someone who used to do it as a hobby. Bellshill baker n. Scottish equivalent of a Cleveland Steamer; a broon baguette enjoyed hot and fresh, straight from the oven. Barbie’s minge sim. Something with a particularly difficult or troublesome mode of entry. ‘Gentlemen, make no mistake. The castle will be heavily guarded. I warn you now, it’wil be like getting into Barbie’s minge.’ I will now dismount my soapbox and wander off into some even purer speculation: are mountain stages so popular because so few of us have the French Alps - or any mountains of real note - at our doorstep? aroma diffuser 1. n. A scientific device that breaks “essential oils” down into smaller molecules, dispersing them into the air for a pleasant or calming effect on the gullible. 2. n. The arsehole.

bellringer n. A bruising blow on the Herman jelmet from a precariously fitted chod-bin lid, that clangs like the intro to News at Ten. Now, replacing mountains with time trials? That will make a difference, and that difference consists of replacing one set of specialists (and one set of physical extremes) with another. We get the impression that the drivers just sort of resent the bikes just being on the road. As a consequence they make no effort whatsoever to pull out and they drive incredibly close.